2 weeks ago, I broke up with MC.
MC and I started dating back in December 2020. He approached me and asked me out to dinner through a mutual friend. Earlier that year, I just broke up with J and wasn't ready for a relationship yet. However, the more we communicated, the more we fell in love. I remembered feeling "love do find you when you least expected it". It was definitely hard in the beginning. There were insecurities about whether we've both moved on from our past relationships, and the difficulties to adapt into each other's lifestyle.
Then, the 2nd wave of covid happened. Brunei went into lockdown, and we really spent a lot of time together. His gym was closed for 3 months, and during that period, he was just working out himself, and picked me home from work, cooked dinner and we could talk for hours. Those days were really the best.
When the border opened, we had our first trip to Kota Kinabalu for his birthday. Our first travel together definitely revealed a lot of lifestyle differences - MC has to gym everyday so we have to find hotels that are near gyms during vacation. I also need to allocate at least 3-4 hours for him to gym, so most of the touring would start from 12 or 1pm onwards. We had to eat clean as well for most meals. These are the things that most people couldn't understand, but I could. I could see his efforts and determination, so to me, I don't find it as a sacrifice, but rather a compromise during travels.
With our first experience, we then went to Taiwan for our 2nd trip, and then Bangkok, Melbourne, and New Zealand. He accompanied me to Batu Pahat and KL for my PACES course and exam as well. With every trip together, I got to understand him better. There's definitely a lot of quarrels and arguments along the way, but we always try to resolve it.
The love we had was not intense to begin with, but it accumulates over time. It feels like a slow burn..and that's why till now, it's still burning for me..I could picture a lifetime with him. We were so used to each others' quirks and he could understand my soul and thoughts like no one could (or at least I haven't met that person). He was there for me during the good times, and the bad times. When he drove down to my grandmother's funeral and helped out with everything, I thought to myself - how lucky am I to find a future life partner like him? He would comfort me whenever I'm sad. He would tell me how much he missed me and loved me. I could still remember how he always pat my head and said "do you know how much I love you, Michelle Tan?"
He's my pillar of strength for the past 3.6 years. The comfort I seek during times of chaos. The motivation in life after long days of work. I would smile to myself every time I thought of him. Yes, we have so many differences, but we also have a lot of similarities. He was with me through thick and thin. He would joked about how I am stuck to him for the rest of my life. He told me he wanted to marry me, and I really believe we would have a happy lifetime together...until 2 months ago, when I was deployed to my hometown KB for a month. I guess he could feel how long distance would be, and we did quarrel a bit back then. When I went back to bandar, things changed. I could clearly felt the lack of effort, and that I am no longer his priority in life.
We had a lot of deep conversations about how to improve this situation, but he could not get pass himself. He said he has a lot of internal conflicts, about how our relationship will not survive LDR, and too much uncertainties about the future. He is tired of trying, and feels that he is incapable of giving the life I wanted. He could not marry me if I will be flying off for further training, and being together would be just a waste of my time.
I don't know why our beautiful relationship..eventually turned into this unhealthy relationship, where he stopped putting in effort and I was trying to hold onto it so dearly. There were days where we talked, and I would cried because of how helpless I felt; about how going out on dates during weekend had become a burden to him. And that he no longer enjoy anything else in life.
Perhaps he fell out of love. I remembered reading back the post when I broke up with J 4 years ago.. about how love is not just a feeling, but a choice. A choice to work hard and put effort to maintain the relationship. He wants me to put up with the bare minimum and tolerate the half-ass efforts. He prioritises other people, and expects me to understand. He no longer choose to love me, and this has been one-sided since the past 2 months.
To be honest, during the first week of the break up, I still want to fix it. I was so upset, and cried almost every night..thinking, what actually went wrong? I do love him. But loving him is also breaking me now. Because real love is reciprocated. I need to constantly remind myself not to get stuck in the potential of what this relationship could be, and accept what is the reality showing me now.
There is no wrong timing..maybe he's not the one after all. In order the maintain the relationship, both partners have to be willing to change, heal and grow. Clearly, when one is putting in all the effort, and the other doesn't...it's not going to work. I am healing now..and I will heal, one day. I have been crying on and off every time I watched videos or reminisced about our happy memories. I miss our daily routine, I miss watching cringe romantic films with him, I miss his hugs, touches and kisses. I know it's ok to miss him, because whatever we had was beautiful. To pretend like I don't miss him is a disservice to everything we went through. I will be at a place where missing him isn't a sign of trying again, but a sign that what we had was a great thing. That's it, and that's all.
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