Monday, July 15, 2024

It didn't work out again..

2 weeks ago, I broke up with MC.

MC and I started dating back in December 2020. He approached me and asked me out to dinner through a mutual friend. Earlier that year, I just broke up with J and wasn't ready for a relationship yet. However, the more we communicated, the more we fell in love. I remembered feeling "love do find you when you least expected it". It was definitely hard in the beginning. There were insecurities about whether we've both moved on from our past relationships, and the difficulties to adapt into each other's lifestyle. 

Then, the 2nd wave of covid happened. Brunei went into lockdown, and we really spent a lot of time together. His gym was closed for 3 months, and during that period, he was just working out himself, and picked me home from work, cooked dinner and we could talk for hours. Those days were really the best. 

When the border opened, we had our first trip to Kota Kinabalu for his birthday. Our first travel together definitely revealed a lot of lifestyle differences - MC has to gym everyday so we have to find hotels that are near gyms during vacation. I also need to allocate at least 3-4 hours for him to gym, so most of the touring would start from 12 or 1pm onwards. We had to eat clean as well for most meals. These are the things that most people couldn't understand, but I could. I could see his efforts and determination, so to me, I don't find it as a sacrifice, but rather a compromise during travels. 

With our first experience, we then went to Taiwan for our 2nd trip, and then Bangkok, Melbourne, and New Zealand. He accompanied me to Batu Pahat and KL for my PACES course and exam as well. With every trip together, I got to understand him better. There's definitely a lot of quarrels and arguments along the way, but we always try to resolve it. 

The love we had was not intense to begin with, but it accumulates over time. It feels like a slow burn..and that's why till now, it's still burning for me..I could picture a lifetime with him. We were so used to each others' quirks and he could understand my soul and thoughts like no one could (or at least I haven't met that person). He was there for me during the good times, and the bad times. When he drove down to my grandmother's funeral and helped out with everything, I thought to myself - how lucky am I to find a future life partner like him? He would comfort me whenever I'm sad. He would tell me how much he missed me and loved me. I could still remember how he always pat my head and said "do you know how much I love you, Michelle Tan?"

He's my pillar of strength for the past 3.6 years. The comfort I seek during times of chaos. The motivation in life after long days of work. I would smile to myself every time I thought of him. Yes, we have so many differences, but we also have a lot of similarities. He was with me through thick and thin. He would joked about how I am stuck to him for the rest of my life. He told me he wanted to marry me, and I really believe we would have a happy lifetime together...until 2 months ago, when I was deployed to my hometown KB for a month. I guess he could feel how long distance would be, and we did quarrel a bit back then. When I went back to bandar, things changed. I could clearly felt the lack of effort, and that I am no longer his priority in life. 

We had a lot of deep conversations about how to improve this situation, but he could not get pass himself. He said he has a lot of internal conflicts, about how our relationship will not survive LDR, and too much uncertainties about the future. He is tired of trying, and feels that he is incapable of giving the life I wanted. He could not marry me if I will be flying off for further training, and being together would be just a waste of my time. 

I don't know why our beautiful relationship..eventually turned into this unhealthy relationship, where he stopped putting in effort and I was trying to hold onto it so dearly. There were days where we talked, and I would cried because of how helpless I felt; about how going out on dates during weekend had become a burden to him. And that he no longer enjoy anything else in life. 

Perhaps he fell out of love. I remembered reading back the post when I broke up with J 4 years ago.. about how love is not just a feeling, but a choice. A choice to work hard and put effort to maintain the relationship. He wants me to put up with the bare minimum and tolerate the half-ass efforts. He prioritises other people, and expects me to understand. He no longer choose to love me, and this has been one-sided since the past 2 months.

To be honest, during the first week of the break up, I still want to fix it. I was so upset, and cried almost every night..thinking, what actually went wrong? I do love him. But loving him is also breaking me now. Because real love is reciprocated. I need to constantly remind myself not to get stuck in the potential of what this relationship could be, and accept what is the reality showing me now. 

There is no wrong timing..maybe he's not the one after all. In order the maintain the relationship, both partners have to be willing to change, heal and grow. Clearly, when one is putting in all the effort, and the other doesn't...it's not going to work. I am healing now..and I will heal, one day. I have been crying on and off every time I watched videos or reminisced about our happy memories. I miss our daily routine, I miss watching cringe romantic films with him, I miss his hugs, touches and kisses. I know it's ok to miss him, because whatever we had was beautiful. To pretend like I don't miss him is a disservice to everything we went through. I will be at a place where missing him isn't a sign of trying again, but a sign that what we had was a great thing. That's it, and that's all. 

Memoirs of 2023

Alot had happened in 2023.. 

It was the last Chinese new year spent with my grandma.. I could clearly remember her condition deteriorated and she was hospitalised multiple times before her passing. She also had a cardiac arrest and was admitted to ICU. My aunt from US flew back to Brunei to take care of her..

She unfortunately passed away in March 2023. MC drove down to KB to attend the funeral and accompanied me the whole night. 

Went to my first PACES course at Terengganu alone. Met some new friends. Met up with my aunt at KL.

Tian tian, my flatmate back in Cork, decided to visit Brunei. We had stay over at Alicia's place, toured Temburong and it was actually my first time to the canopy. 

Bangkok birthday trip for MC - where we went to safari park, and also an elephant sanctuary. We had such a great time..but I lost the anniversary necklace that MC gave me there T______T

Toured Melbourne and NZ for 2 weeks + with family and MC. Baby sister got married. 

Had surgery done for my pinky due to luge accident in NZ:

Halloween party with the remaining medic8ion in RIPASH:

One of my closest friend June's ROM:

My 2nd PACES course at Kuching. 

30th birthday:

Photoshoot with Lavender as part of Christmas activity with MC. 

2023 had a lot of bittersweet memories.. but when I reflected back, there were mostly happy memories. Thank you 2023. 


Bridal shower in Melbourne + Wedding in New Zealand

MELBOURNE BRIDAL SHOWER 

The long awaited trip to Australia and New Zealand - for my baby sister's wedding!

We arrived at Australia really early, we arrived around 4:30am local time.. it was cold!! we booked a taxi and went to our hotel at Brady Hotels Jones Lane, 111 Little Lonsdale St, Melbourne. We had to pay approximately $50 extra for checking in early!

The room was small, but decent and cosy. 




After freshening up, I headed out to have brunch with the girls at the Higher Ground, while MC slept in for half the day.

2nd time here, not as great as I remembered..

The girls and I went for shopping while the other boys went for sky diving! When MC woke up, we met at  Yarra River Boat Cruise (self drive) - which costed AUD $53 for each couple. We had snacks and beer on the boat. 

The next day, we went for the Yarra Valley wine tour (AUD $157 pp). This would be my 2nd wine tasting experience. As MC and I both don't really drink, he gave all his shots to the boys, and I've just tasted on some. The tour we booked was Teepee Tour. The guide was humorous and we enjoyed the fun. The tour had also kindly allowed us to do our bridal showers with games and accessories. 

We went to:
1. Helen & Joey Estate
2. Yerring Farm
3. Hubert Estate for lunch
4. Four pillars (gin mainly)
5. Yarrawood Estate



Lunch at Hubert Estate, where we had the best salad for the whole trip!!


On the 3rd day of Melbourne, we explored South Melbourne Market - I liked it here more than Queen Victoria Market!

Fresh oysters!!




My favourite watermelon cake!! 

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NORTH ISLAND 

When we touched down Auckland, we met up with my parents first and had brunch together at the Fields Cafe. I almost forgot how expensive a meal would cost in Australia and NZ!!

Fields Benedict (NZD $25)
Hangover Hash (NZD $23)
Can't decide (NZD $28.50)
Mushroom Udon (NZD $25)
Flat white (NZD $5.80) / Mocha (NZD $6) / Chai Latte (NZD $6) / Tumeric Latte (NZD $7)

Oyster & Chop for hi-tea
The happy hour price 3-6pm, where each oyster is just $2 each (normal price $6-7).
Salmon Entree (NZD $36)
Snapper & Chips (NZD 39)
DC salad (NZD $15)
Cripsy calamari (NZD $29)

Dinner at Ahi - advanced birthday celebration for my sister
Entree (NZD $34 each) : Grilled octopus, Duck breast
Mains (NZD $46 each): Lamb, Deer Meat, Fish and scampi
Sides (NZD $14): Potatoes and mushroom sauce

The portions were really small, but overall the food was quite nice. 

When half of the group arrived, we started our North Island trip. We picked up the rental car from and drove to Waitomo Glow Worm Caves (no pictures taking allowed in the cave). The ticket was NZD $61 pp. From there, we drove to Rotorua, which we reached around 6pm and checked in to our B&B. The B&B was really cosy - 5 bedrooms for 10 people. They have a kitchen, a washing machine. We did groceries and had cooked our own dinner. 


Patrick's pie for brunch! Still good as ever, but I think my tastebuds changed. I find it a bit too creamy and salty. 

We went to Te puia for the geyser walk and Haka cultural performance (NZD $75pp). Saw kiwi bird as well. 



Agrodome Farm experience - we spent nearly 3 hours there (NZD $39pp). The show was really entertaining and I even went up the stage to milk the cow!!





We also celebrated mooncake festival at home with home cooked food. We ate brunch and dinner mostly at the B&B for north, and ate out almost every single day for our South trip xD

One of the highlight of our North trip was the Canopy tour, which my sister and her husband, MC and I joined only. Unfortunately, it was raining and the weather was really cold. Zip-lining in such weather was really an adventure. I was shivering most of the time.. there's 6 ziplines in total (3.5 hours experience, NZD $350 pp). The longest zipline was 220m. There were a few moments where I felt as if my legs were jelly.




Went home, showered and had lunch back at the B&B. After that, we went to Hell's Gate Mud Bath (NZD $85pp). Great experience. The heat from the mud bath actually caused someone to faint, likely due to hypotension.. thankfully MC was there to help out. 




For dinner, we went to Scott's parents house. It was a great time. 



The last itinerary for North island was Hobbiton. We drove from Rotorua to Hobbiton (took 1 hr 10 mins) - NZD $89pp, and then departed to Auckland for the wedding. 



Our car rental was NZD $908.56 for 2 cars and the accommodation for our B&B - Thermal Oak Motel was NZD $2892 for 10 pax. Including all the activities we joined, excluding meals, the cost for my North Island trip was approximately NZD $920 pp ($751 for those who did not join the canopy tour).

My aunts from KL and US arrived to Auckland shortly after. The days at Auckland were basically just eating out, shopping for souvenirs, catching up and chilling~


Their salad was amazing!! The desserts esp creme brûlée - highly recommended!

Parents treated everyone at Saint Alice. Portions were quite small to be honest. We ended up adding on a pizza

Dinner with Scott's family the night before the wedding. We had Asian fusion at Tok-tok. 

05.10.23 - Mel's wedding day!! The place was perfect. There's free flow alcohol and beverages, also lawn games. We took loads of pictures. Buffet dinner was amazing - fresh oysters, lamb. A variety of dessert. I'm so delighted and happy for my sister to marry her first love, her love of her life. 







Photo Booth fun :)






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SOUTH ISLAND 

We flew from Auckland to Christchurch, picked up the car rental, and head towards check in at Canmore Hotel, Christchurch. It was a free and easy day at Christchurch. very laid back. MC also went to gym at night. 

Canmore Hotel

Dinner at Casa Publica, Christchurch

Next day, we drove from Christchurch to Lake Tekapo. Stopped by High Country Salmon Farm for fresh salmon.
 

Also went to Lake Pukaki Visitor Centre where they have a glasshouse that you can view Lake Pukaki:

Lake Tekapo


Lake Tekapo --> Mount Cook
Breakfast at the hotel (Peppers Bluewater)



Hiked at Hooker Valley Track -- the whole trail back and forth took approximately 3 hours. It's seriously the highlight of my whole trip! The views were amazing, and the weather that day was really good!! Sunny, but breezy. MC and I went to Tasman Glacier trail in the afternoon after a quick nap, while the others went for Glacier Explorer. 







Our motel, Aoraki Court Motel - amazing views. The toilets were clean, and they provide free hot chocolate, milk and coffee pods. 

Dinner at Alpine Restaurant, The Hermitage Hotel - NZD $79pp

Mount Cook --> Queenstown 
Stopped by at Relishes Cafe, Wanaka for lunch 

Checked into Queenstown, Peppers Beacon. Amazing view!! South Island's views just blew my breath away every single time. 


Skyline Queenstown 
Went for luge - 2nd luge experience..and unfortunately during my 4th ride, I had a minor accident. The brake of my vehicle wasn't functioning, and I hit the person in front of me and the vehicle was knocked to the side of the curb. I still completed the journey but I felt really dizzy, only to realise.. I dislocated and fractured my right pinky!! It was my dominant hand, so I was really worried. MC accompanied me to the nearest medical centre and the nurse relocated it for me after some laughing gas inhalation. Was prescribed codeine as well for analgesia. Had X-ray the next day and was advised for surgery within 2 weeks, which I did after came back to Brunei. The rest of the trip was partly ruined because of this accident :( but we made-do with whatever we could. 




Crooked finger




Still went for Onsen Pool the next day since it was paid already. It was a relaxing morning. 


Dinner at Blue Kanu
Their rendang bun was delicious!! Mi goreng and curry - I've tasted better. (approx NZD $75 pp) - treated by my aunt 

Milford Sound Tour 
To be very honest, this was my 2nd Milford tour. The bus ride was really long, and this tour took the whole day..the weather was really gloomy so the sceneries were not as great as my first experience. I also had motion sickness so I just slept through the boat journey was I felt nauseous most of the time. 

Dinner at Flame Bar & Grill, approx NZD $50 pp

The group toured Arrowhead town and Glenorchy, but MC and I decided to sleep in and then tour around Queenstown ourselves. We had lunch at a food court. 



Mrs Ferg's Gelato - tried the Rum & Raisin hazelnut and Baileys.
Patagonia Ice cream - tried their award winning Banana split & Mascarpone cheese & Fruits of the forest
I personally think gelatos are better at Europe! 

The famous ferg's burger. It's nice and juicy, but still don't think it's "the best burger in the world". Their fries was surprisingly good!! Love it.

Flew back to Auckland the next day, and caught the morning flight from Auckland > Melbourne > Brunei. The total that I've spent for South Island trip was NZD $1283 for accommodation, gas and some of the dinners. 

Had my surgery done, which they put in a K-wire for a month, and got it removed after. There was pus around the k wire, and I felt discomfort around the wound area. Thankfully, it resolved after removal of k-wire. I was given medical certificate for a month to rest at home. Had hand therapy with the occupational therapist. Till this date, I think I still couldn't fully bend my pinky, and I still feel a bit of stiffness. Also, I don't think it's straight (although the orthopaedic surgeon told me my bone look straight from the Xray). I was unable to claim insurance from my local insurance company (through Visa card) as they only cover for major disability or death. 



I was able to claim a new luggage from Air New Zealand though, as it was damaged during the flight from Melbourne to Auckland. so thankful for that!!

Special thanks for Melanie who gathered everyone for a family trip. She also planned the itinerary, and I booked and coordinated for the north island trip. Thanks Aunt Pamela who coordinated and paid for everything in advanced for the South Island trip. 
Thank you MC for joining and accompanying me through the family trip. 

Till the next trip!